"Oh, my, my...Mama...You talk too much..you never shut up...and BTW..You snore, you drool and you talk in your sleep..."
Jeesh..she is absolutely and totally jealous of my new discovery..the moment I spotted this spectacular creature at Lamb's...I almost fell over in the aisle, from laughter...and at that point I just KNEW she had to be mine....I seldom find anything to be this funny..nope..not at all...again..I am somewhat serious, at least 99% of the time...yup..
For the first time ever on the world wide web....Paulette the Pig! Have you ever seen a pig wearing purple gingham underpants...????? Didn't think so! She was a total hoot! I took her over to the wall...
We didn't spend much time over there..it was a little chilly..even for a pig sporting underpants...of the gingham variety..so we promptly returned home and began our quest..our quest to accomplish two things I have never done before..successfully...and, again, we're talking about things of the culinary variety...tisk-tisk...Poach an egg AND make hollandaise sauce..yup...for our Dungeness Crab Benedict, with asparagus..
This is Chip...he is Chad's cousin from Seattle...wasn't a fan of vodka..so I put him straight to work...that whiskette in his claw...perfect for small tasks and small claws! He assisted with the sauce...briefly...
"Mmmmmm and yum, Mama....I love bacon! Paulette looks delicious! Oh, and do you know how a pig writes home???? With a pig pen! hahahahahaha..Get it????"
The arduous task of the meal...hahahaha...oh, so totally not...it was laborious at times...but fun..I am tired...but there was zero heavy lifting involved...shall we begin with crab cakes...
Paulette was quite the camera hog...hahahahahaha...I tried...I just couldn't help myself. Anyhoo..mayonnaise, butter, tabasco, egg, garlic, shallot, green pepper, worcestershire sauce..in addition to crab and bread crumbs...(which are not pictured)
Proceed to mince your garlic, shallot and green pepper....You won't be sorry...Trust me..It's a Thursday night..It's 6pm and you're already in your pajamas...you have plenty of time...OH, look on the bright side..., yeah..there is actually a bright side to being ready for bed by 6pm...it's typically followed by a glass of warm milk and some Geritol..hahahaha...SEE, I do NOT mince words! tisk-tisk...Although you have all night to shake a little bootie...umm..that Darren Chriss...I am back on him again...sorry...
Moving along..saute...Yup...we're still addicted to the act of saute...I'm still researching facilities...saute the stuff you previously chopped for a bit...not too long..you'll just know when it's ready...
Add your roasted crab to a bowl with the sauteed vegetables and all of the other ingredients discussed above...I don't do redundancy...But I do other things...hahahaha...are you buying that????
Moving along....form your crab mixture into cakes and fry in a pan...I made a mini crab cake just for E.V...she loves crab...and, again..I am a thoughtful Mama...teehee...
"So, Mama...do you know what pigs do on nice afternoons??? They go on pignics! Oh, and when they are sick, they take Pigicillin! hahahahahahahahahaha..I wonder if Alexander Fleming would be displeased with that joke regarding his antibiotic, which he did discover in 1928??? One can imagine that biologists don't have much of a sense of humor...tee-hee..."
So, Nobel Prize winners aside....we have a meal to Scottish..I mean finish...hahahaha...get it??? I so wish Alexander were Finnish...that would make the joke SO much better...it does need work...much like me...lots in fact....is there really enough Botox????
Hollandaise Sauce components: Egg yolks, lemon, butter, tabasco and dijon mustard...No swine...Paulette INSISTED she be in this photo...you can't really argue with a pig sporting purple gingham underpants, can you..???? And now that you mention it...would you ever really argue with ANYONE wearing purple gingham underpants??? Didn't think so...
The debut of my new skill!! I have few skills...hahahaha..no, seriously, I don't have that many..but I CAN separate an egg with one hand...and it's even my left hand..OH, and BTW...the yolk did NOT suffer from separation anxiety..didn't miss the albumin one bit..nope...no distress whatsoever..no tears..apparently the emotional attachment was not that significant....I just knew you were wondering about that!
Our final hollandaise sauce...made in Bob, the blender...no photos of the blending process...whip up everything sans butter until frothy...I SO totally like that word...frothy...you really can't beat a mass of small bubbles, can you?? And they are rather light and entertaining, playfully frivolous, one might say...like me!!...tee-hee...merely an observation...Yikes! Shall we continue...Again, I am so far off track...I blame...um....cute boys..those benjamins and such.. fo' sho' and I also blame this cute tattooed guitar player...Well...once all has been blended, add your melted butter...and POOF...you have hollandaise sauce...who'da thunk???
"You are right on, Mama...it is all about those benjamins...Oh, and do you know what a pig uses to write his term papers???? Pen and Oink! Hahahahahaahaha"
Asparagus tips...I know lots about tips...even of the asparagus variety..they eventually will play an integral role in our meal..as that is how we roll...hahahahahaha..get it??? Oh, we do rock as well...in case you wondered...thank you Jimmy Pop...BHG rocks..
The Apex of our evening...a pinnacle of sorts...35 dozen eggs later...are you sitting down???..again, I merely ask for legal reasons....I own nothing...so don't even think of pursuing a lawsuit if you become injured upon reading this...FYI...hahahaha..Nah...I jest...I'm all about the drama...it is fun, is it not??? I developed this ghetto way to poach eggs...and it worked!!!
My very first successfully poached egg...by no means perfect..Gordon Ramsay would probably scream in my face...as my yolk was hardly bursting, nor was it fantastic..but it was not hard boiled...I do realize there is little 'in between' in that regard...Poaching eggs is a very unforgiving activity...I may never do it again...I can't take the pressure...I need a vacation..and a martini..
BUT...we were able to complete our meal...Dungeness Crab Benedict..I have three different views...crab cake, poached egg, hollandaise and asparagus...I topped with scallions and some paprika..
Soooooooo...that was dinner....I am excited because it consisted of two experiments...and my experiments typically end up on the news...or with someone making a trip to the emergency room..or they involve law enforcement in some capacity... hahahahahaah...nah...maybe not...pigs sporting purple gingham underpants are a total hoot...try and find one...I triple-dog dare ya! Yup...Try something new...buy a whiskette...and get a tattoo!! I continue to love mine and it is healing well...in case anyone in cyberspace had any concerns...You kept me guessing and now I'm destined to spend my time missing you..You should never have to beg to dream...and lots of other things..and it is all about the benjamins....and I almost did a bunch of other stuff...but I am rather certain you do not care at this point...I'll save it for tomorrow..yeah..we will be here again...it's almost like Groundhog Day, no???? hahahahahahaha...the same nightmare over and over and over...eventually I'll get it right! ;-) ...Perpetually Perfectly Imperfect... Warning..live without warning...
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