Oh, No You Didn't.....

A colloquial expression of incredulity voiced upon witnessing an action so atrocious you are left at a loss for words..words you should be able to find in your mind that encompass the catastrophic nature of what it is that you have just done...Well, my internet friends...that is me..in fact, I am the supreme leader of Oh, no you didn't....like when you drop a strawberry pie on your white rug...Oh, no you didn't...like when you say something smarty-pants in an email and hit 'reply all' ...Oh, no you didn't...when you go out on a Friday night and wake up 'somewhere' on a Saturday morning next to 'someone'...Oh, no you didn't...when you realize you have eaten an entire half gallon of ice cream...Oh, no you didn't....I could go on all night...however, I will spare both you and I the pain and embarrassment...I do not speak of specifics..these are merely general examples....FYI....And yes, my friends of the interweb...the best is yet to come...

"Oh, Mama...I am in complete and utter disbelief....Call me a skeptic if you will!  Oh, no you didn't just say that!!  I'm moving out...what is that Chuck fella's number, anyway???  Don't test me...second guess me..protest me..you WILL disappear..."

"Mama....I'll get it!!  I'll get it!!  I could use a good diversion in my life to get me through this painful evening...I'll talk to ANYONE at this point!  Just not you!"  She's just not very nice sometimes..

Our opulence did not prevent us from cooking this evening...hahahahahaha...nah, complete and utter embellishement..we're more along the lines of impecunious..which is why we had ham and bean soup...I have a few reasons as to how it ended up being soup, as well as it being of the ham variety..I know...I know...you can hardly wait!  Pipe down, people...relax...Literally I am losing my voice...please shed no tears...I realize that is a rather difficult request..but I thought soup might help with my voice...it didn't, BTW...

Ham.  Yup...7 pounds of Ham...For some reason, unbeknownst to me, last Saturday I thought it was a magnificent idea to buy this ham...Oh, no you didn't!  Yup..I live alone and who in their right mind would EVER buy 7 pounds worth of ham..at once?!?!?  After seeing this thing sitting in my fridge for the past week, I had to do something..hence the soup...although, I thought it would have been cool to throw off of my balcony...imagine the damage it could cause..to a car, or a pedestrian, or a dog,..the possibilities are endless!...OH,  no you didn't just say that...Um, yeah..I did....BUT I would never condone throwing a 7 pound ham off of a balcony and intentionally injuring or maiming anyone...especially small children and pets..I'm nice!  I am SO totally kidding..not about the nice part, that was true..I was kidding about the ham..I hate that thing...It needs to go...where were we????

Dried White Beans...essential to your Soup...approximately a cup or so...pick over them and rinse...I'm not picky..tisk-tisk....I do think they're pretty...but, again...my judgement continues to be questionable..

Now I hacked away at that stupid ham...which actually was fun...to create a piece appropriate for soup for one...I did end up with soup for about 8, but..WIP my friends...anyhoo...add the ham, beans, water and bay leaves and simmer...pretty much all afternoon...at least 3-4 hours.....

Time-lapse photo..can ya tell????  here we are hours later...it did smell heavenly...so heavenly in fact, I had no choice but to shake bootie....I'm still stuck on Homecoming...and Puck...sorry...I'm trying!

"Oh, Mama..OH, no you didn't!"

I removed the ham...proceeded to puree half of the mixture in the blender...those photos were HORRIBLE..Yup..hard to believe I have standards, no???  But there actually are photos worse than these....I added carrots...now I totally would have added way more carrot, but I only had a little piece in the house and I was not about to fight holiday traffic for a carrot...sorry..as much as I love all of you and such..not worth it...so there's just enough to add a little color..get off of my case!

Since ham and bean soup is about as unphotogenic as myself...I added some green beans..for color..and they needed to be eaten...they told me so as soon as I opened the fridge...they were dying to come out and play...I am an accommodating kinda gal..so I complied..I'd do anything for a bean and for love...well, within reason..as long as it was legal in the continental US, oh, and Guam...tisk-tisk..

The final bean soup...It tasted ten million times better than it looked..I tried..I am, shall we say...like Ponce de Leon...an explorer...but not Spanish..nor am I technically an explorer, per se...I merely explore food opportunities...hahahahahaha...   Now if I could find that Fountain of Youth, I'd be all set...maybe I should just set my sights on the Fountains of Wayne...Oh, no..you didn't just say that...Yup...

And we will see how Godless a nation we have become...I'm a sacrificial foodiecide..I made that up...is it obvious??...make soup, of the ham and bean variety..with double beans...it was delicious...oh, bless me Lord for I have sinned...mixing beans...Oh, no, you didn't....we're the soldiers of the new world..in the church of wishful thinking..we'll be dressed up in our Sunday best.....a fire burns today...sirens of decay will infiltrate the inside...Gocarts and guns are treasures....We'll be back tomorrow, my friends..fingers and toes crossed I can say the same about you...g'night...